Gordy Brown - Man of the People

Deep in the entrails of 11 Downing Street, Gordon Brown has summoned a meeting of his top secret campaign team. Our mole has managed to smuggle out this verbatim extract from the meeting exclusively for the Progressive Contrarian:

Gordon: The polls don't look too healthy at the moment. I'm worried that this Meacher thing isn't going to wash with Joe Public. Therefore I want us to switch to plan B.

Anon1: Plan B?

Gordon: Yes, we've got to do something about Cameron.

Anon2: What did you have in mind, sir?

Gordon: We'll have no more of that for starters. Joe Public needs to know that I'm no stuffed shirt. I'm a real human being. I can be relaxed. I can be informal. I'm a man of the people just as much as the next chap. We need to meet the Dave factor head-on.

Anon1: You mean we convince the public that there's more to Gordon Brown than meets the eye?

Gordon: Yes, that's it precisely.

Anon2: So, er, how should we address you, sir?

Gordon: If David is too formal for Cameron, then Gordon's too formal for me. So how about we go for GB?

Anon1: GB? As in Great Britain?

Anon2: You don't think that's a teensy bit presumptuous, sir?

Gordon: Possibly. How about Gordy?

Anon1: Gordy?

Gordon: Yes, that sounds very matey to me. Very nice indeed. Now, there's one other thing. I notice that there's a compound effect with Cameron. He has surrounded himself with other Davids. Why, his entire party seems peopled with them. I want the same effect here.

Anon1: But there aren't many Gordon's to choose from...

Gordon: Nonsense. We've got to defeat Cameron on his home ground. I'll need at least another half dozen Gordy's on my team.

Anon2: I'll see who we've got. Anything else er, Gordy?

Gordon : Splendid. See how easy that was? Why, we almost sounded matey then.

Anon1: Yes, sir, I mean Gordy. Anything else?

Gordon: Yes. I want you to get on to London Zoo immediately. I need to get a skunk.

Anon1 and Anon2: A skunk, sir?

Gordon: This drugs business has done Cameron no end of good. Sipping a single malt doesn't have the same resonance with the public. I've looked into this cannabis thing and it seems that young people are smoking skunks. I can't say it appeals to me, but if I need to smoke a skunk than London Zoo should have the necessary. If they cut up rough remind them of the plan for my new Rare and Exotic Animals Tax.

Anon1: But...

Gordon: And another thing, his bog habits have been a hit to. If Cameron has a web bog I can have one too. Rig up the cameras as soon as possible. Use the gents downstairs if you must. Bogging is the way to win hearts and minds, I can tell you.

Anon2: But...

Gordon: By the way, that pen you're using...

Anon2: You mean this...

Gordon: Is it a Cross or a Mont Blanc?

Anon2: Mont Blanc. It was a present from...

Gordon: Did you pay the Luxury Writing Implement Duty?

Anon2: I'm not sure that I've ever heard...

Gordon: I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave the pen with me and we'll say no more about it?

Anon2: Yes, Gordy...

Gordon: Wonderful. Off you go now, if we can get that skunk while I'm on the bog that'll be grand.

ID Card Successes

The Progressive Contrarian is pleased to announce details of the latest Home Office briefing on ID cards. Obviously we're not going to share such privileged information with just anybody who drops by. Instead here are some excerpts to give you all a taster...

"As has been made clear by Her Majesty's Government, ID Cards are an essential weapon in the war against terror, against identity theft, for helping clear up unsolved crimes and for controlling immigration. These successes are all the more startling given the fact that ID cards are not in place yet. We should all feel proud of these successes.

However, we must make clear to those few who retain doubts that ID cards will prove to be even more effective in the following areas:

• Childhood obesity
• Global warming
• Gun crime
• Hoodies
• Teenage pregnancy
• Eating disorders
• Community cohesion
• Road pricing
• Iraq
• Third world poverty
• Sustainable development

Her Majesty's Government fully intends to push forward with ID cards to tackle all of these problems. After all, only a fanatic would claim that civil liberties are more important than addressing the issue of climate change."

Zimbabwe Vigil - London

Notably absent from this Saturday's picket of the Zimbabwean embassy in London were the massed ranks of the SWP and other leftists. Where were the piles of newspapers to force onto passers-by? Where were the placards announcing solidarity and advertising the Party? In contrast to the anti-apatheid days, the Left were notably absent, leaving the picket mostly to Zimbabweans (black and white).

The people of Zimbabwe need solidarity as much now as they did under the days of Ian Smith. Surely nobody on the Left can claim that the Mugabe regime is anything but a corrupt and authoritarian regime making war on its own people.

Anyone interested in joining future protests please take a look at: http://www.zimvigil.co.uk/index.asp

Police State For Muslims

According to one of the men arrested (and released) in the Birmingham anti-terror raids, the UK is a police state for Muslims. Unlike Saudi Arabia, Iran, Pakistan, Libya, Malaysia, Algeria, Sudan and those other Islamic states which are beacons of freedom and democracy.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this case, you can bet that all of those arrested were accorded the right to legal help, medical assistance, religious worship and so on. In contrast to the police practices in many of the Islamic republics, there will have been no attaching of electrodes to gonads, no beatings, there will have been no fake drownings or pretend shootings.

Those bleating about this being a police state have obviously forgotten what used to happen to the Irish in this country in the 1970's...

Celebrity Big Brother - Racism Row

Having thought deeply on the subject, here's a modest proposal for addressing the underlying issues of racism, class difference and social cohesion that have arisen from the most recent series of Celebrity Big Brother:

1. Arrest all the alleged racists - Jade and co - and lock them in a room
2. Arrest the alleged victim and lock her in that room
3. Arrest all of the commentators who've pontificated endlessly about CBB, racism, celebrity culture etc and lock them in the same room
4. Arrest all of the politicians who've commented on CBB and lock them in the room
5. Arrest the police bosses wasting police time interviewing people about CBB racism and put them in the same room as the others
6. Arrest the people who make CBB or who are in any way associated with the production and broadcast of the program, and lock them in the same room
7. Get some Russians in to administer polonium enemas to all those locked in the room. Vaseline not required for this operation.
8. Now shut the fuck up about CBB

All spikey on organics

Good piece in spiked-online today discussing the science (or lack of) organic food production. Does a nice job of getting to the heart of the matter - the tuth about organic food is that there are no really scientifically proven merits for eating organic. People go to organic food because of perception issues with modern farming techniques. Commerically of course, there are sound arguments in favour of organic produce - it acts as a differentiator between consumers who aren't driven primarily by pricing. Buying organic tells the supermarket or manufacturer that you'll pay more than those who don't.

Zimbabwe - The other African story

While there's a lot of attention rightly focused on Darfur and Sudan (a country that has been at war continuously since independence - and for much of the time before that too), let's not forget that life in Zimbabwe isn't getting any better either.

Mugabe continues to exemplify the 'hero of the independence struggle' who turns out to be a vicious authoritarian, corrupt and corrupting and clinging to power at all costs. Unfortunately it's a familiar story - and there are few signs that his kind are disappearing.

Saving the world through technology

OK, so I exaggerated. The link above is to a site that lists all kinds of technical innovations to do with energy conservation, renewables, pollution-reductions etc. There's a lot of interesting stuff on display. Despite the prevailing anti-technology and anti-science atmosphere that hides behind a lot of the concern about climate change, there's a lot of good work being done out there...

Apologising for slavery

Nice article on spiked-online following Tony Blair's nauseating hand-wringing on slavery.

As for those who demand reparations, the idiocy is astounding. What about the blacks who profited from slavery (including the small group of black slave-owners in the US)? What about the Arabs, will they make reparations too? And can we trace the white victims of slavery, and arrange to pay-off their descendants too?

I would suggest that a more pressing concern, (other than Iraq, the NHS, education and the other horrors inflicted on us by new Labour), is those poor souls in Mauritania who remain slaves hundreds of years after it has been abolished in the West.

Environmental Fundamentalists

It should be no surprise that the announcement of ITER project to build an experimental fusion reactor has been met with criticism from the likes of Greenpeace and other 'environmentalists'. While it's one thing to have doubts about the efficacy of huge international bureaucracies running the show, or doubts about the engineering approach adopted for the proposed reactor, it's clear that the doubts from Greenpeace and the like are very different in nature.

For them the promise of almost unlimited energy from fusion is a nightmare. Forget that fusion energy is relatively carbon-neutral and that the fuel is plentiful and cheap. The nightmare for them is that if it works it will power the world to continue to accelerate economic development. For the green movement anything that promotes consumption is bad. That's the bottom line for them. Cutting back on energy usage, reducing consumption and economic development, these are what Monbiot and co are after.

Technologies like thorium power, fusion and so on are a huge threat to environmental fundamentalists.

Petition against faith schools

Online petition of the Prime Minister against faith schools:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Abolish all faith schools and prohibit the teaching of creationism and other religious mythology in all UK schools

Closing speeches in Kriss Donald Trial

More from the BBC web site. Don't bother looking on the Guardian, Indymedia, Socialist Worker etc, you won't find anything...

Crime and Punishment (Part 2)

To date there's been little formal response to the innovative Progressive Contrarian crime and punishment policies previously outlined on this web site. The silence from politicians (left, right and centre) has been deafening. However, not to be discouraged, here is the promised second tranche of new policies that the Home Secretary is welcome to nick for himself:

1. Gun crime. First offenders will be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan to complete a tour of duty. There will be no exceptions. Repeat offenders will complete a second tour of duty, though this time they will not be issued with ammunition.

2. Alcohol-induced violence. Those found guilty will be sent to a clinic where they will have vodka administered intravenously. This will be done in an isolation room so that there is no possible social pleasure derived from the experience. Once a mammoth hang-over has been induced the offender will be forced to complete a six-mile cross-country run. Failure to complete the run will cause additional intravenous vodka, stomach-pumping and then another attempt at a run.

3. Knife crime. Male offenders convicted of knife crime will have half an inch of penis surgically removed for a first offence. Subsequent offences will cause the loss of a full inch. The most persistent offenders will also be sentenced to breast enhancement surgery. How macho will these guys feel with no knob and pendulous boobs?

4. Joy-riders will be supplied with roller-skates and then tied to the back of their victim's vehicle. The driver will be free to drive at speed on any public road for a period of half an hour. A second offender will only be issued with one skate. There are no skates issued for subsequent offences, though in the interests of fairness the victims of the joy-rider will only be allowed to drive their cars for 15 minutes.

It is to be hoped that this time politicians take notice. More Progressive Contrarian policies are in the pipe-line...

An act of inhumanity

You know, when the racist bastards who killed Kriss Donald finally get found guilty I hope the sentence is indefinite life. They should never be released. In fact this is one of those rare occassions when perhaps a Sharia sentence would be the best option. Or perhaps once these bastards get into prison proper they'll get the justice they deserve from other prisoners.

Thorium power

More on thorium powered nuclear reactors...

The good news on Iraq

Deep, deep inside 10 Downing Street...

PM: I'm sick to death of all the negativity around Iraq. It's all bad, bad, bad. Never. Do we read any of the good news. I mean. We've got rid of an awful dictator. We made him put his weapons of destruction so far out of reach it was like they never existed.

Drone1: What are you saying, Tony?

PM: I'm saying that it's time we put across the good news from Iraq. Let's take the initiative for once. No more reacting to bad news defensively.

Drone2: Is it initiative with a capital I? Or is it a lower-case initiative?

Drone1: We've had four new initiatives this month. We've got two more scheduled for next month.

PM: Does that mean we've achieved our initiative targets?

Drone1: Yes, Tony. Exceeded the target in fact.

PM: Hell, and they say we're a lame duck government. It's sickening. We lead the world in Initiatives and do we get any credit for it?

Drone2: How about commissioning a report?

Drone1: Is that an upper-case 'Report' or a lower-case 'report'?

PM: What have we got?

Drone2: I think we're all commissioned out at the moment. Gordon's been bitching about this again. Says we can't take on any more special advisors for doing reports until he's in the hot seat himself.

PM: Bastard. OK. No Initiative. No Report. I still think we need to get on the case. How about... A major international conference?

Drone2: Excellent idea. I think there's a slot in a couple of weeks.

PM: And if we take that slot what does that do for our target?

Drone1: Puts us over the target in international conferences as well.

PM: Excellent. World class. So. What is the good news from Iraq?

Drone2: Sorry, Tony? I don't quite follow...

PM: I want us to lead on some strong news. We need to show the world that my Iraq policy has been a success. So, what do we have?

Drone1: Er....

Drone2: Ah....

PM: Come on. You're not going to tell me it's all bad? Look at the NHS. It's so much better than it used to be. They meet their targets often enough. It's a perception thing.

Drone1: Got you, Tony. Got you. OK. How's this. Increased social mobility.

PM: I like that. What's the story.

Drone1: Well, under Saddam people weren't free. Now, under a stable and popular democratic regime people are free to move around as they wish. All over Iraq people are on the move - in fact whole communities are moving en-masse, actively encouraged by their neighbours usually.

Drone2: That's good. I've got one too. Education.

PM: I like the sound of this.

Drone2: Under Saddam education was nothing but force-fed propaganda and indoctrination. Now, under the popularly elected government education is free. Particularly faith-based education. There's been a lot of growth in faith-based education, a lot.

Drone1: Yes, explosive growth in fact.

PM: Excellent.

Drone2: Industry? We need something on that too, I would think.

PM: Very true. We need to show how democracy has made the population more prosperous.

Drone1: The private security industry’s really taken off....

Drone2: The association of small arms dealers is doing well....

Drone1: Funeral and mortuary services are showing phenomenal expansion...

PM: Hmm. Let's just stick to the good news on mobility and education for now.

Why there is no God

Nice piece by Richard Dawkins at the Times today. Pass it on to your religious friends...

Peter Tatchell

While I disagree with much that Peter Tatchell has to say, particularly on green issues, when it comes to civil liberties he's generally pretty sound. When Sir Iqbal Sacranie of the Muslim Council of Britain made anti-gay statements a while back, Tatchell was asked to comment. Did he attack Sacranie as anti-gay bigot who should be prosecuted for hate speech? Nope. Tatchell stood up and said that Sacranie should be free to say what he likes. The only proviso being that Sacranie should in turn be prepared to listen to those who espouse anti-Muslim sentiments.

There's a good piece at the Guardian today where Tatchell points out the hypocrisy of those Muslims who bleat on about Islamophobia but who espoused some of the most reactionary bollocks you'll hear in this country (even more reactionary than the BNP for example). He also makes a point of mentioning the parasitical Left like the SWP who ally themselves with Islamic fascists.

Consciousness is king

In an earlier post Debuking the debunkers I mentioned the theory proposed by some people that consciousness is an illusion. There's an interesting review on LondonBookReview.com of a book called 'A Mind So Rare' that sets out to attack that idea and to put consciousness to the fore. Well worth reading.

Genius or crank?

Randell Mills is a genius - there's no doubt about that. The question is 'a genius at what'? Self-promotion and exploiting the gullible? Or as a scientist making fundamental breakthroughs in physics.

It would be great to have him proved right. Those who hate the weirdness of quantum physics will be relieved to find that his more classical approach explains many of the results of quantum mechanics without the counter-intuitive and down-right strangeness offered by Bohr, Heisenberg and the like. And, as important, if his theories are correct there's the promise of whole new power sources.

On the other hand, his work is so far against the grain that it seems too good to be true.

However, it's the scientific method which will ultimately clear the doubt. If he's a clever con-man then he'll be exposed. If what he says is on the right track then those scientists who are risking ridicule by taking him seriously will be doing us all a great service.