Monday, February 26, 2007

Gordy Brown - Man of the People

Deep in the entrails of 11 Downing Street, Gordon Brown has summoned a meeting of his top secret campaign team. Our mole has managed to smuggle out this verbatim extract from the meeting exclusively for the Progressive Contrarian:

Gordon: The polls don't look too healthy at the moment. I'm worried that this Meacher thing isn't going to wash with Joe Public. Therefore I want us to switch to plan B.

Anon1: Plan B?

Gordon: Yes, we've got to do something about Cameron.

Anon2: What did you have in mind, sir?

Gordon: We'll have no more of that for starters. Joe Public needs to know that I'm no stuffed shirt. I'm a real human being. I can be relaxed. I can be informal. I'm a man of the people just as much as the next chap. We need to meet the Dave factor head-on.

Anon1: You mean we convince the public that there's more to Gordon Brown than meets the eye?

Gordon: Yes, that's it precisely.

Anon2: So, er, how should we address you, sir?

Gordon: If David is too formal for Cameron, then Gordon's too formal for me. So how about we go for GB?

Anon1: GB? As in Great Britain?

Anon2: You don't think that's a teensy bit presumptuous, sir?

Gordon: Possibly. How about Gordy?

Anon1: Gordy?

Gordon: Yes, that sounds very matey to me. Very nice indeed. Now, there's one other thing. I notice that there's a compound effect with Cameron. He has surrounded himself with other Davids. Why, his entire party seems peopled with them. I want the same effect here.

Anon1: But there aren't many Gordon's to choose from...

Gordon: Nonsense. We've got to defeat Cameron on his home ground. I'll need at least another half dozen Gordy's on my team.

Anon2: I'll see who we've got. Anything else er, Gordy?

Gordon : Splendid. See how easy that was? Why, we almost sounded matey then.

Anon1: Yes, sir, I mean Gordy. Anything else?

Gordon: Yes. I want you to get on to London Zoo immediately. I need to get a skunk.

Anon1 and Anon2: A skunk, sir?

Gordon: This drugs business has done Cameron no end of good. Sipping a single malt doesn't have the same resonance with the public. I've looked into this cannabis thing and it seems that young people are smoking skunks. I can't say it appeals to me, but if I need to smoke a skunk than London Zoo should have the necessary. If they cut up rough remind them of the plan for my new Rare and Exotic Animals Tax.

Anon1: But...

Gordon: And another thing, his bog habits have been a hit to. If Cameron has a web bog I can have one too. Rig up the cameras as soon as possible. Use the gents downstairs if you must. Bogging is the way to win hearts and minds, I can tell you.

Anon2: But...

Gordon: By the way, that pen you're using...

Anon2: You mean this...

Gordon: Is it a Cross or a Mont Blanc?

Anon2: Mont Blanc. It was a present from...

Gordon: Did you pay the Luxury Writing Implement Duty?

Anon2: I'm not sure that I've ever heard...

Gordon: I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave the pen with me and we'll say no more about it?

Anon2: Yes, Gordy...

Gordon: Wonderful. Off you go now, if we can get that skunk while I'm on the bog that'll be grand.

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