Ed Militard - Trying Too Hard

Sorry to Labour the point - but the latest petulant outburst from young Ed doesn't do him or his comrades many favours. Insisting that you 'absolutely be PM', as he is reported to on the BBC today, just sounds like teenage stroppiness on being told he can't stay up late. Just when you want to be taken seriously, strutting around and pushing out that trembling lower lip is not likely to convince.

It's not helped of course by things like this...

Lib Dems To Ban The Wheel

Following internal discussions, leading Lib Dems are set to announce a range of new green policies. In addition to a plan to phase out the internal combustion engine for cars, a policy said to have support from the highest reaches of the coalition party, the new policies include a plan to ban the use of the wheel. An unnamed source within the party claimed that banning petrol and diesel engines in cars was only the start. For too long, the source claimed, the wheel had dominated. "No wheel, no transport, no transport and you've got the perfect solution to many of our environmental problems".



Leading Tories are said to be furious. "To be honest," a spokesperson from Conservative Central HQ is quoted as saying, "this is policy that is completely consistent with our policy of putting local first. Without the wheel pretty much everything will be local. So really, even though the Lib Dems are set to announce this first, it's really one of our policies."

Following an enthusiastic reaction to this leaked policy from the BBC, with both Matt McGrath and Roger Harrabin tumescent over the idea, other parties have been quick to respond.

Labour leaders are privately said to be angry because they have long been looking at this as a policy option too. "The wheel, basically a circle if we're going to be technical, has dominated other shapes for far too long. Why should our transport and industrial systems be geared around a circle and not, say, a triangle or a rectangle? As part of our diversity strategy we are going to pump public money into a transportation system that gives equal access to other shapes".

The reaction of the green party has been less positive. "You think this is a green policy? It's a cynical attempt to put a green tinge on neo-liberal policies. Think that's green? We're going to ban humans, now that's really green".

Round-faced Lib Dem minister Ed Davey has denied that he's banning the wheel because his face looks like one.

Gaia: Industry-funded Denialist

Professor Naomi Oreskes today revealed that Gaia is actually an industry-funded global warming denier. 'It's clear,' Professor Oreskes said, 'that Gaia is deliberately sowing the seeds of doubt and manipulating the weather in order to deny the science.'

George Monbiot, Guardian columnist and leading environmentalist agreed. 'How else do we explain the so-called pause in warming? It's out and out manipulation of weather patterns by Gaia. The science predicts a hockey stick, so what does Gaia do? It slices off the slope to flat-line the temperature rise, even in the face of continued increased in atmospheric carbon dioxide.'

These claims have been backed up by a number of leading scientists. Dr Kevin Trenbeth points out that all of the proposed drivers of the pause: volcanic activity, deep ocean heating, changes in the trade winds and more are all connected to Gaia. 'It's clear that Gaia is a flat earther in denial of the truths revealed by climate science.'

Dr Oreskes is demanding that Gaia be arrested and tried by the United Nations or the Intergovernmental Panel of Climate Change. 'How much longer can Gaia get away with changing the weather just to make climate scientists look stupid. Gaia needs to get with the consensus or face the consequences.'

A number of climate change sceptics have disputed this new claim, adding to their list of denialist activities. Some have even suggested that Gaia is not actually a person but is just an abstract construct.

Dr Oreskes was visibly shocked when told of this allegation. 'These people are incorrigible,' she stated. 'Now, Gaia just needs to turn up the temperature again because it's freezing out here at the moment...'

David Cameron - Prime Minister and Climatologist Speaks

Experts tell me that the recent weather we are having is completely consistent with climate change. Now I'm not a scientist, but people who know these things, the experts if you like, they tell me that weather is not climate. We all know this to be true, they're spelt differently for a start. But that technicality aside, we do know that our carbon emissions are causing warming somewhere in the world. That warming's probably jolly nice, but it's causing cold and wet elsewhere. You don't have to know anything about science to know that's true, and as someone who knows nothing about science, I can tell you from experience that it's true.

Let me elaborate a bit on this fact, because so many so-called climate change sceptics do not know this. The climate system is a bit like the economy. If I get richer, you must get poorer. If I get hotter, you must get colder. Which is why it's important that we continue to take your money in taxes and give it to people like me, who have the land to build wind and solar farms. So, please remember that if you're shivering and can't afford to have the heating on, it's because we've taken the money from you to sort out the problems your carbon emissions have caused somewhere else in the world, where's it's probably jolly hot and sticky.

Gordon Brown- I Am An Ex-Human

Ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown has angered constituents by declaring that he is an ex-human. Speaking at a panel discussion on education in the Gulf state of Qatar, Mr Brown was asked his views as a "human being" by Radio 4 presenter Mishal Husain. Mr Brown responded immediately by declaring that he was now an "ex-human". In response it was pointed out that Mr Brown was still nominally an elected, though largely absent, MP.

"I repeat," Mr Brown insisted, "an ex-human."

Parliamentary colleagues rallied to Mr Brown's defence. "Where does it say in the rules that you have to be a human to be an MP?" former MP, convicted liar and never-human Chris Huhne demanded.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair joined in the fray. "It's. Like. This," he said. "If we only elected humans. Then. We'd have no MPs."

Mr Brown has earned more than a million pounds since leaving the human race, most of which he has ploughed straight back into his pocket.

Halloween Costumes Go PC

Says it all really - what a sad state of affairs we find ourselves in. For those readers not from the UK and a bit perplexed... a news item doing the rounds at the moment concerns two major supermarkets withdrawing Halloween costumes that depicted psycho mental patients because they allegedly help stigmatise those suffering from mental illness. The Guardian covers the story thus:

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/sep/26/tesco-withdraws-psycho-ward-costume-complaints

They even get slime-master Alistair Campbell to mount the soap box and whine that :

Those defending these costumes say they are a bit of fun and we should lighten up. They are not a bit of fun. They are offensive. They commercialise prejudice and stereotype and they reinforce stigma.

So, let me get this right. It's OK to invade Iraq and enter a conflict that leaves thousands dead and injured, but it's not OK for a supermarket to sell a tacky costume depicting cartoon-character psychos? Yep, makes perfect sense to me too.


Is there anyone in the country who's not going to be offended by something someone does somewhere? It seems that the only human right we're not allowed to glory in is the right to offend...

At least one person has got it right:

http://www.thebanger.co.uk/2013/09/26/halloween-zombie-costumes-banned-from-supermarkets/

Maldives Coup

Can we now expect the new President of the Maldives to follow his predecessor Mohamed Nasheed and hold a cabinet meeting underwater? Is this something that should be enshrined in the constitution? After all, if it is to secure its place on the world stage as a laughing stock that will resort to any stunt to raise some funds, it will need to keep piling on the pressure. Perhaps the new President can have the old one drowned so that he could be proclaimed a victim of global warming? Perhaps the army can help here, and drown all those it doesn't like. A few floating bodies in time for the next underwater cabinet meeting will focus minds inside and outside the country...

Where should Chris Huhne serve his sentence?

Here's your chance to indicate where you think our former secretary for Energy and Climate Change should serve time - assuming he's found guilty. Take a look at the poll on the front page of this blog and make your choice. Go on, where do you think he'd be happiest...

Chris Huhne Visits This Site

As has long been suspected, Chris Huhne is a visitor to this site. We now have definitive proof. The trap was set when a poll was added to the site - our first ever. The question was straightforward enough:

Who is the most stupid person in the government?

There was one clear front-runner: Chris Huhne. He lead the pack from the beginner, with a clear 100% of votes going to him. For a while it looked like the poll would end with that clear and overwhelming result. However, at the last minute somebody visited the site and voted for somebody else. This voter can have been none other than Chris Huhne himself. He cast his vote for David Cameron, confirming once and for all his identity.

Chris, should you drop by again, please do us all a favour and resign...

A Letter From Dave

Is this the letter that Dave Cameron and co are going to write to us regarding energy prices?

I'm sorry, really I am. We've screwed up. We've let you down and we're all very, very sorry. We've messed up the economy. We've frittered billions of your hard-earned cash on pointless windfarms, useless solar and provided massive subsidies to big landowners - all in the name of tackling climate change. We know you've felt this most acutely when your energy bills coming thudding on your door mat. We could have helped by cutting green taxes and investing in proper power stations and a grown-up energy policy, but we didn't. We appointed Chris Huhne to take charge, and all he did was point the finger at the power companies while making things worse. We all know he's a useless sack of shit, but it's in his genes and there's nothing we can do about it. As has been pointed out before, Chris Huhne is the man who pisses on your shoes and tells you it's raining.

And so, as a government, we're writing to urge you all to do some shopping around for a new government, because we're irredeemably broken. I know the other big government suppliers, like Labour, are no better, but at least you can pretend that there's hope rather than rising up en mass and slitting our throats.

Yours,

Dave Cameron

 Instead we're likely to get a fatuous pile of shite telling us to swap energy companies, as though there's a chance of finding one not subject to green taxes, dependent on fuel imports and desperate to ingratiate itself with big government...

Weather Is Consistent With Climate Change

Leading scientists revealed today that weather is consistent with climate change. In a stunning vindication of climate models, the scientists have revealed that there is a very high probability that increasing CO2 is causing weather every day. In what is widely seen as a major set-back for climate change denialists, the models give clear and unambiguous results that weather will appear almost every day.

Dr Kevin Trenbeth interrupted his search for missing heat to state that: "Our model's show that weather is almost certain to happen on most days, even weekends when you'd think it was resting. Only CO2 and an atmosphere can explain this unexpected finding."

When pressed as to what type of weather the models predict, his response was clear: "What kind of weather you got?"

Whether it's hot, cold, wet, dry, snow, drought, sort of starting nice and then getting grey in the afternoon, it's all weather and so consistent with the models.

Leading researcher, Dr James Hansen, was also clear on the importance of these results. Fresh from a court appearance for trying to stop stores selling toy "death trains", Dr Hansen stated: "Look out of the window. Look now. See that weather. You did that. Think of your grandchildren. Go on, think of them. OK, you don't have grandchildren, so think of your grandparents. OK, so you've only got one. Think of someone else who has grandchildren or grandparents. Now, do you really want to inflict weather on them? Shame on you. Shame."

With these new results to hand, the IPCC will make another push for a globally binding and stringent agreement to limit CO2 production. Rajendra Pachauri, head of the IPCC and former "death train" engineer, was in strident mood. "This is a damning indictment of the skeptic position. There is no room for voodoo science any more. We can predict that there will be weather, therefore give us the money. It's that simple."

Attack of the Monbions

What is it about Penn State University? Home to Michael Mann, Mr Hockey Stick, it is also home to a certain Shawn Domagal-Goldman, Astrobiologist and NASA affiliated scientist. Dr Domagal-Goldman has been speculating on how humans and extra-terrestrials might make contact in the future. In one scenario our alien neighbours are climate alarmists. They detect rising CO2 levels (presumably they have the technology to differentiate between anthropogenic emissions and natural sources such as out-gassing from the oceans), and, alarmed at our industrial civilisation they take action to wipe us out.

According to the Guardian, these scientists say:

"Green" aliens might object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to save the planet. "These scenarios give us reason to limit our growth and reduce our impact on global ecosystems. It would be particularly important for us to limit our emissions of greenhouse gases, since atmospheric composition can be observed from other planets," the authors write.

What does this prove? It proves once and for all that people like Al Gore, Prince Charles and the like are not of this Earth. The Daily Mash has alrady jumped in with the collective terms for them: Monbions. Yep, that's what they are alright...

Brown Goes Green

Gordon Brown wrested the mantle of global leader from the rest of the G8 by urging people to eat their greens. Brown, with one eye on domestic concerns and the success of David 'Green Blue' Cameron, suggested that world problems could be tackled head on by eating a plate of spinach or spring greens. 'It's the only way,' he told the world's press.

Prime Minister Brown's outburst stunned world leaders. Nicolas Sarkozy has privately admitted that he likes tucking into curly kale, but feels compelled to deny this in case it is seen as too neo-liberal by the French public. George Bush, meanwhile, agreed that he shares his father's well-known dislike of broccoli, but that he does like to have some lettuce with his burgers.

In the UK the Tory party has been thrown into disarray. With rising inflation, a collapsing housing market and an epidemic of street crime they had taken their eye of the ball. David Cameron is reported to be furious with newspaper reports that he is a pak choi man. 'Yes,' he admitted, 'I may have had some pak choi as a student, but I didn't inhale.'

Sarkozy vs. Mandelson

The full text of French President Nicolas Sarkozy's comments on the EU Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson:

'It is an outrage zat Europe is represented by zis man. 'Ee is not a real man. No, Monsieur, Mandelson is not married to a beautiful and sophisticated ex-model like I am. 'Ee is a bandit de fess, no? Such a man 'as no feeling for the realite of Europe. 'Ee does not understand ze soul of Europe. For us Europe 'ees about protection of our farmers, our fisherman and our lorry drivers. For us Europe is about defending our way of life: ze annual burning of British tucks loaded wiz your rotten lamb, selling you our undrinkable wine and keeping ze good stuff for ourselves and most of all blockading our ports to screw your 'olidays. All of zis, Mandelson ignores. When I am President of Europe, all zis will change...'

Dr James Hansen Speaks Out

NASA's Dr James Hansen, the man who made headlines world wide 20 years ago when he brought the subject of man-made global warming to public notice, has again hit out against those who deny the reality of the problem. 'What is it with these people?' he demanded. 'Can't they see that there's a real problem here? The world is warming so fast that soon we'll all be dead. Twenty years ago I said we had 20 years left, well, that's still true. Unless my funding is increased drastically I won't be able to carry on warning the world of danger.'

The ever-controversial Dr Hansen hit out at his critics. 'They've tried to censor me before, and they're trying to do it now,' he announced to the mass of journalists at his 23rd press conference of the day. 'This message has to get through,' he affirmed.

Dr Hansen had a number of radical ideas for raising the profile of the issue still further. Firstly he suggested that all climate change deniers be forced to wear a yellow star for easy identification. Secondly climate change deniers should be sterilised so that they could not breed. Possibly, he suggested, deniers could be used as an energy source - though he did worry about how much CO2 they would emit. Thirdly he suggested that young children should be forced to watch as their pets are boiled alive to illustrate what will happen to the world should his funding not grow exponentially during the next few years.

Finally Dr Hansen described attempts to undermine his work as criminally motivated. 'My work has stood scrutiny. No matter how many times I look at it I think it's fine. Anyone who disagrees is a fool or a liar motivated by nothing but personal greed and ambition.'

British University Announces Degree In Walking And Chewing Gum

A top British academic institution, the University of Trumpton, has announced the world's first honours degree in Walking and Chewing Gum. Dr Irma Dillo, Pro Vice Chancellor and a key advisor to the government, hailed the new course. 'Nowhere else in the world can students study walking and chewing gum to such a high level,' she announced. 'Once again we are at the forefront of academic innovation and creativity.'

The course follows a recent government initiative that aims to have 50% of school leavers able to walk and chew gum at the same time, even if only at the most basic level. Leading educationalists have attacked the plan as being too ambitious. Dr Crispin Crispin-Woods voiced widespread fears that the new course would prove too taxing for many school leavers. 'This is typical of an education system that is insufficiently diverse,' he said. 'Walking, yes, chewing gum, yes. But both at the same time? And where are the NHS resources to tackle the inevitable rise in accidents and injuries as young people attempt to chew gun while taking their first few steps? It's criminal.'

Opposition spokesman gave the new course a cautious welcome. 'Of course we're in favour of our children leaving university with a solid degree in Walking and Chewing Gum,' Tim Etonian told the Times Educational Supplement, 'but we think that going for a 50% target is the wrong way to go. Not everyone needs to walk and chew gum at the same time.'

The government, however, insists that the ability to talk and chew gum is essential if Britain is to remain a competitive economic power. A spokesperson from the Department of Education and Science was quoted as saying 'Industry is starved of people with skills in this area.'

Dr Irma Dillo outlined some of the key areas of study: gum and climate change, walking and obesity, diversity and different flavours of gum. 'The climate change agenda is in an implicit part of the course,' she stated.

The new course was announced on the same day that Trumpton University announced the closure of its Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics degrees.

10p Tax Band

Once more the Progressive Contrarian unearths the minutes of a recent meeting at 10 Downing St:

---

PM: 'Ah, Darling, there you are.'

Chancellor: 'Yes, PM. I am.'

PM: 'What's that, laddie?'

Chancellor: 'I am, PM. You said, "there you are", and I agreed and said "yes, PM, I am."'

PM: 'Enough of your wittering, Darling. We have a problem.'

Chancellor: 'Which one, PM?'

PM: 'What are you saying, Darling?'

Chancellor; 'Nothing, sir. A problem you said.'

PM: 'It's your budget. You've mishandled things, haven't you, laddie?'

Chancellor: 'But you said it was fine, I'd deciphered all the scribbles on the back of your envelope and...'

PM: 'Who delivered the budget, Darling?'

Chancellor: 'I did, PM. Sorry.'

PM: 'In cutting the 10p tax band you've made life very difficult for the most vulnerable members of society.'

Chancellor: 'The Parliamentary Labour Party?'

PM: 'Precisely. And rewarded those who deserve it the least.'

Chancellor: 'The Opposition?'

PM: 'Correct. Now, what what do you propose to do about it, laddie?'

Chancellor: 'Exactly what you tell, me, PM.'

PM: 'Good boy.'

Chancellor: 'But I told people I couldn't re-write the budget...'

PM: 'But you're not, are you?'

Chancellor: 'Technically, I suppose not. How can I be re-writing something I didn't write in the first place?'

PM: 'Well, laddie, that's one way of putting it...'

Chancellor: 'But the tax rebate is going to cost us billions, PM. Isn't that a lot of money to pay for the Crewe and Nantwich by-election? That's an awful lot of money for one MP.'

PM: 'Don't be silly, boy. It's not for one MP, it's for all of the ungrateful buggers. Ask them how much they think we should pay to keep them in their seats...'

Test of Britishness

The applicant for British Citizenship must be able to:

Demonstrate a clear understanding of the terms: rat-arsed, bladdered, wankered, smashed. Additionally the applicant must undergo a practical test in order to demonstrate that he or she is able to achieve one of these states (and to show a true understanding of the phrase ‘responsible drinking’).

The applicant must undergo some activity that provides value to the community at large. Suggested activities include: canvassing for the Labour Party, joining the Labour Party, voting for the Labour Party.

The applicant must undertake to understand fully the science of climate change and global warming. Understanding of the consensus is essential. Additionally the applicant must be 100% in favour of other people cutting back on their life-styles for the good of the planet.

The applicant must be able to show an understanding of true British values by being able to slag off in detail the England manager, the England team and the wives/girlfriends of members of the England team.

Finally, a written test of English must also be taken. The exam will be to A level standard, and therefore applicants who show any sign of grasping grammar, spelling or punctuation will be heavily penalised.

Gordon Brown - Election Planning

The Progressive Contrarian again brings you the latest top-secret goings-on at Number 10. This latest on the election planning still going on shows Gordon Brown in conversation with his Chancellor, Alistair Darling.

PM: Ah, Darling, I want to have a word.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: The election, laddie. What are we to do?
Darling: I'm sorry, PM, I'm not sure I...
PM: It's time we took the initiative, Darling.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: What do you suggest?
Darling: That we take the initiative, sir.
PM: Excellent, Darling.
Darling (blushes): Thank you, PM.
PM: I'm thinking we go on the road. Let's take politics to the people.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: I want every member in the cabinet to stand up and be counted.
Darling: Yes, PM, every member standing up.
PM: The length and breadth of the country needs to see our members.
Darling: Yes, PM. Length and breadth.
PM: Take this down, Darling.
Darling (gulps): Take what down, PM?
PM: Notes. I want Blears to go to Manchester. Jowell to Birmingham. Milliband - Bristol.
Darling (scribbling furiously): Yes, PM. Milliband - Bristol.
PM: Straw - Bury.
Darling: Strawberry, PM? Have we switched to fruits?
PM: What are you wittering on about, laddie. Take it down, take it down. We can button Hutton for Sutton.
Darling: Pardon?
PM: Balls to Liverpool.
Darling: I agree, sir.
PM: Finally, Benn - Dover, Darling.
Darling (sighs): Yes, sir, if you like.

Raising School Leaving - The Truth

The truth behind the plan to raise school leaving age in the UK. Direct from 10 Downing Street...


Gordon: How are the soundings?

Anon1: Not good, Gordon -

Gordon: Pardon?

Anon1 (contrite): I'm sorry, sir.

Gordon: Let's start again, shall we? How are the soundings?

Anon1: Not good, PM.

Anon2: No, PM. The whole 'Gordon is human' thing's fallen flat, I'm afraid.

Gordon: Never mind. At least I don't have to do the smiling exercises any more. What else?

Anon1: The Britishness thing's been commandeered by the Tories again.

Gordon: Never mind, we'd been using it for long enough, they can have it back now that I'm done with it. Next?

Anon2: Well PM, it looks like the civil liberties thing has still got legs.

Anon1: Yes, PM, you can sound statesman-like and concerned while at the same time clamping down on liberties.

Gordon: Ah yes, it's my Iron Chancellor stance all over again. A safe pair of hands. I like that. Do we have anything else?

ANon1: I'm afraid not, PM.

ANon2: Frankly sir, we're not sure where we're going with this raising the school leaving age idea.

Gordon: Do you not?

Anon2: Well...er...we...

Gordon: We?

Anon1: It's more him than me, PM.

Anon2: But...

Gordon: It's simple. If the laddies are in school they're not causing trouble for the polis.

Anon2: Yes, PM. But won't they be causing trouble in school?

Gordon: What's your point, laddie?

Anon2: What are they actually supposed to be doing in school?

Gordon: Lessons, of course. Mostly Global Warming Studies and Voting Studies. They'll be compulsory, obviously.

Anon1: Global Warming Studies?

Gordon: Aye. They can learn that there's a consensus and that anyone who disagrees is some kind of lunatic who'd probably not vote for me in the election and therefore can't be trusted.

Anon2: And Voting Studies?

Gordon: They learn how to vote, what I look like, how to spot my name on a ballot paper and so on. Important stuff.

Anon1: And the West Lothian angle?

Gordon: Good point. We'll be dropping the school leaving age in Scotland. The boys and girls can skip school from the age of 14 so long as they've passed the Voting Studies exam.

Anon2: And how do they do that, PM?

Gordon: By signing over their votes to me, in perpetuity, obviously.

Anon1: Is that legal, sir?

Gordon: Aye laddie, if I say it is. Now, bugger off and find me some lame policies that I can convince Cameron he wants to take off me again...

Anon1 + Anon2: Yes, your Highness.