Monday, February 26, 2007

Gordy Brown - Man of the People

Deep in the entrails of 11 Downing Street, Gordon Brown has summoned a meeting of his top secret campaign team. Our mole has managed to smuggle out this verbatim extract from the meeting exclusively for the Progressive Contrarian:

Gordon: The polls don't look too healthy at the moment. I'm worried that this Meacher thing isn't going to wash with Joe Public. Therefore I want us to switch to plan B.

Anon1: Plan B?

Gordon: Yes, we've got to do something about Cameron.

Anon2: What did you have in mind, sir?

Gordon: We'll have no more of that for starters. Joe Public needs to know that I'm no stuffed shirt. I'm a real human being. I can be relaxed. I can be informal. I'm a man of the people just as much as the next chap. We need to meet the Dave factor head-on.

Anon1: You mean we convince the public that there's more to Gordon Brown than meets the eye?

Gordon: Yes, that's it precisely.

Anon2: So, er, how should we address you, sir?

Gordon: If David is too formal for Cameron, then Gordon's too formal for me. So how about we go for GB?

Anon1: GB? As in Great Britain?

Anon2: You don't think that's a teensy bit presumptuous, sir?

Gordon: Possibly. How about Gordy?

Anon1: Gordy?

Gordon: Yes, that sounds very matey to me. Very nice indeed. Now, there's one other thing. I notice that there's a compound effect with Cameron. He has surrounded himself with other Davids. Why, his entire party seems peopled with them. I want the same effect here.

Anon1: But there aren't many Gordon's to choose from...

Gordon: Nonsense. We've got to defeat Cameron on his home ground. I'll need at least another half dozen Gordy's on my team.

Anon2: I'll see who we've got. Anything else er, Gordy?

Gordon : Splendid. See how easy that was? Why, we almost sounded matey then.

Anon1: Yes, sir, I mean Gordy. Anything else?

Gordon: Yes. I want you to get on to London Zoo immediately. I need to get a skunk.

Anon1 and Anon2: A skunk, sir?

Gordon: This drugs business has done Cameron no end of good. Sipping a single malt doesn't have the same resonance with the public. I've looked into this cannabis thing and it seems that young people are smoking skunks. I can't say it appeals to me, but if I need to smoke a skunk than London Zoo should have the necessary. If they cut up rough remind them of the plan for my new Rare and Exotic Animals Tax.

Anon1: But...

Gordon: And another thing, his bog habits have been a hit to. If Cameron has a web bog I can have one too. Rig up the cameras as soon as possible. Use the gents downstairs if you must. Bogging is the way to win hearts and minds, I can tell you.

Anon2: But...

Gordon: By the way, that pen you're using...

Anon2: You mean this...

Gordon: Is it a Cross or a Mont Blanc?

Anon2: Mont Blanc. It was a present from...

Gordon: Did you pay the Luxury Writing Implement Duty?

Anon2: I'm not sure that I've ever heard...

Gordon: I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave the pen with me and we'll say no more about it?

Anon2: Yes, Gordy...

Gordon: Wonderful. Off you go now, if we can get that skunk while I'm on the bog that'll be grand.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

ID Card Successes

The Progressive Contrarian is pleased to announce details of the latest Home Office briefing on ID cards. Obviously we're not going to share such privileged information with just anybody who drops by. Instead here are some excerpts to give you all a taster...

"As has been made clear by Her Majesty's Government, ID Cards are an essential weapon in the war against terror, against identity theft, for helping clear up unsolved crimes and for controlling immigration. These successes are all the more startling given the fact that ID cards are not in place yet. We should all feel proud of these successes.

However, we must make clear to those few who retain doubts that ID cards will prove to be even more effective in the following areas:

  • Childhood obesity
  • Global warming
  • Gun crime
  • Hoodies
  • Teenage pregnancy
  • Eating disorders
  • Community cohesion
  • Road pricing
  • Iraq
  • Third world poverty
  • Sustainable development

Her Majesty's Government fully intends to push forward with ID cards to tackle all of these problems. After all, only a fanatic would claim that civil liberties are more important than addressing the issue of climate change."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Zimbabwe Vigil - London

Notably absent from this Saturday's picket of the Zimbabwean embassy in London were the massed ranks of the SWP and other leftists. Where were the piles of newspapers to force onto passers-by? Where were the placards announcing solidarity and advertising the Party? In contrast to the anti-apatheid days, the Left were notably absent, leaving the picket mostly to Zimbabweans (black and white).

The people of Zimbabwe need solidarity as much now as they did under the days of Ian Smith. Surely nobody on the Left can claim that the Mugabe regime is anything but a corrupt and authoritarian regime making war on its own people.

Anyone interested in joining future protests please take a look at:

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Police State For Muslims

According to one of the men arrested (and released) in the Birmingham anti-terror raids, the UK is a police state for Muslims. Unlike Saudi Arabia, Iran, Pakistan, Libya, Malaysia, Algeria, Sudan and those other Islamic states which are beacons of freedom and democracy.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this case, you can bet that all of those arrested were accorded the right to legal help, medical assistance, religious worship and so on. In contrast to the police practices in many of the Islamic republics, there will have been no attaching of electrodes to gonads, no beatings, there will have been no fake drownings or pretend shootings.

Those bleating about this being a police state have obviously forgotten what used to happen to the Irish in this country in the 1970's...

Friday, February 02, 2007

Celebrity Big Brother - Racism Row

Having thought deeply on the subject, here's a modest proposal for addressing the underlying issues of racism, class difference and social cohesion that have arisen from the most recent series of Celebrity Big Brother:

1. Arrest all the alleged racists - Jade and co - and lock them in a room
2. Arrest the alleged victim and lock her in that room
3. Arrest all of the commentators who've pontificated endlessly about CBB, racism, celebrity culture etc and lock them in the same room
4. Arrest all of the politicians who've commented on CBB and lock them in the room
5. Arrest the police bosses wasting police time interviewing people about CBB racism and put them in the same room as the others
6. Arrest the people who make CBB or who are in any way associated with the production and broadcast of the program, and lock them in the same room
7. Get some Russians in to administer polonium enemas to all those locked in the room. Vaseline not required for this operation.
8. Now shut the fuck up about CBB