In a last bid attempt to get the Scots to vote yes, Alex Salmond has managed to persuade David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and Gordon Brown to journey north of Hadrian's Wall. Hell, they even got Farage in a job lot. In a fantastic move for the Nationalists, the sight of the UK's 'leading' politicians has probably done more to convince people to dump Westminster than anything that the SNP could dream of. Not even the endorsement of the North Korean's could compare to Ed Miliband trying to convince a sceptical Scots public that he was a politician worth listening to.
If the vote turns out to be a No, then it will have more to do with fear of change than any love for our political classes. And let's not underestimate the effect that various business leaders have had here. The likes of Standard Life and RBS probably carry more weight than our small-minded politicians singing the praises for the Union.
Showing posts with label Gordon Brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gordon Brown. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Gordon Brown- I Am An Ex-Human
Ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown has angered constituents by declaring that he is an ex-human. Speaking at a panel discussion on education in the Gulf state of Qatar, Mr Brown was asked his views as a "human being" by Radio 4 presenter Mishal Husain. Mr Brown responded immediately by declaring that he was now an "ex-human". In response it was pointed out that Mr Brown was still nominally an elected, though largely absent, MP.
"I repeat," Mr Brown insisted, "an ex-human."
Parliamentary colleagues rallied to Mr Brown's defence. "Where does it say in the rules that you have to be a human to be an MP?" former MP, convicted liar and never-human Chris Huhne demanded.
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair joined in the fray. "It's. Like. This," he said. "If we only elected humans. Then. We'd have no MPs."
Mr Brown has earned more than a million pounds since leaving the human race, most of which he has ploughed straight back into his pocket.
"I repeat," Mr Brown insisted, "an ex-human."
Parliamentary colleagues rallied to Mr Brown's defence. "Where does it say in the rules that you have to be a human to be an MP?" former MP, convicted liar and never-human Chris Huhne demanded.
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair joined in the fray. "It's. Like. This," he said. "If we only elected humans. Then. We'd have no MPs."
Mr Brown has earned more than a million pounds since leaving the human race, most of which he has ploughed straight back into his pocket.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Ed Militard - Time To Change The Narrative
There's no doubting the fact that the announced energy price rise from SSE, and soon to be followed by other providers, is a gift to Ed Militard and the Laborious Party. It means that he can get all worked up about unscruplulous capitalists exploiting the poor consumer and therefore pose as our friend and saviour. It conveniently ignores the part he played in bringing the high costs of energy through (hidden) green taxation - and the fact that he continues to support the same policies as part of a 'fight against climate change'. And lest we be accused of being one-sided here, Militard is doing no different to what that lying piece of shit Chris Huhne did. And brain-dead Ed Davey does the same thing - they all bleat about energy poverty but ignore the part they play in making this happen.
This is nothing new. We saw the same thing with the banking crisis. The popular narrative soon became that it was all the fault of the nasty bankers, conveniently ignoring the part that the politicians played. It meant that Gordon Brown and Barack Obama could both attempt to grab the moral high-ground and yet ignore the part that they had directly played in the fomenting the crisis. How many people really know that Obama pushed hard for policies for 'affordable housing' that ended up giving us the sub-prime crisis?
This isn't to say that the greedy energy companies meme is all wrong - but the problem is way more complex than pinning the blame on greedy executives and their shareholders. The fact is that governments have been dicking with the energy industry in all kinds of ways - green taxes, subsidies in 'renewables', changing the energy supply mix, closing down cheap coal-powered stations, dragging their feet on shale and much more.
So, it's important then that at every conceivable opportunity we remind people of the part that Militard, Davey and the rest have played - continue to play - in creating the precarious energy supply situation and the high costs that we have to pay. We must not let the politicians do what they do best - create or exacerbate a problem, pin the blame elsewhere and then pose as our saviours.
Quotes like these, from Ed Militard, should be repeated again and again until the message gets through:
November 2009: It needs a willingness to take the argument to people about the tough choices involved in tackling climate change. This is the starting point: a willingness to engage with people on, for example, the fact that to deal with the problem of climate change, energy bills are likely to rise.
January 2010: Yes, there are upward pressures on energy bills, and that makes life difficult for people, including those in fuel poverty, but it is right that we go down the low-carbon energy route.
This is nothing new. We saw the same thing with the banking crisis. The popular narrative soon became that it was all the fault of the nasty bankers, conveniently ignoring the part that the politicians played. It meant that Gordon Brown and Barack Obama could both attempt to grab the moral high-ground and yet ignore the part that they had directly played in the fomenting the crisis. How many people really know that Obama pushed hard for policies for 'affordable housing' that ended up giving us the sub-prime crisis?
This isn't to say that the greedy energy companies meme is all wrong - but the problem is way more complex than pinning the blame on greedy executives and their shareholders. The fact is that governments have been dicking with the energy industry in all kinds of ways - green taxes, subsidies in 'renewables', changing the energy supply mix, closing down cheap coal-powered stations, dragging their feet on shale and much more.
So, it's important then that at every conceivable opportunity we remind people of the part that Militard, Davey and the rest have played - continue to play - in creating the precarious energy supply situation and the high costs that we have to pay. We must not let the politicians do what they do best - create or exacerbate a problem, pin the blame elsewhere and then pose as our saviours.
Quotes like these, from Ed Militard, should be repeated again and again until the message gets through:
November 2009: It needs a willingness to take the argument to people about the tough choices involved in tackling climate change. This is the starting point: a willingness to engage with people on, for example, the fact that to deal with the problem of climate change, energy bills are likely to rise.
January 2010: Yes, there are upward pressures on energy bills, and that makes life difficult for people, including those in fuel poverty, but it is right that we go down the low-carbon energy route.
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Hester Gesture
After all of the hysteria and hyperventilating Stephen Hester submitted to the inevitable and canned his bonus. All I can say is thank Christ for that. The hyperbole was becoming unbearable. We should be grateful to him for putting an end to the posturing that was already completely out of control.
There are some things that are worth pointing which were pretty much obscured in all of this fuss.
Firstly, RBS shouldn't even exist in its current form. It should have been allowed to go under. For those who are convinced that the whole bonus fiasco is an example of unconstrained capitalism, think again. If we had unconstrained capitalism (or even capitalism just a little less restrained), then RBS, Northern Rock et al would have been left to sink or swim. Capitalism is an evolutionary process at heart. By deciding to intervene and part-nationalise the banks, Gordon Brown showed once more that he was no friend of markets or market processes, but a statist who believes that capitalism is dangerous because it is uncontrolled. His first instinct, and that of Obama, Cameron and the entire Euro class, is to intervene and take control.
The fact that the Labour government did intervene means we have the situation where what is effectivaly a state employee - Stephen Hester - is able to get a potential bonus of nearly a million quid. What rankles is that at a time when everyone else is fed a diet of austerity, this class of state employee is able to earn huge bucks. And remember, this was only 60% of the bonus pot, in theory he could have met his targets and earned the full lot. If this was just another bank and not a semi-state bank, people would have shrugged, got angry but there would never have been the same reaction. And perhaps, we would have been spared the panto from political figures across the spectrum (a spectrum that stretches all the way from A to B, but never beyond that).
However, the fact is that the tax payer did rescue RBS, so arguing that it shouldn't be here is a moot point.
Having said that then, where were the politicians arguing the case that if we're ever to get our money back then RBS has to be re-privatised? Where was the case that Hester should be judged on how well that goes? His bonus should only be cashed after that privatisation. His incentives should be to get the most for RBS for the tax payer, and unless he does that his bonuses should be deferred. And what better way of making the case then to suggest that tax payers would benefit in the form of a chance to buy shares in the eventual privatisation ahead of institutional investors?
There are some things that are worth pointing which were pretty much obscured in all of this fuss.
Firstly, RBS shouldn't even exist in its current form. It should have been allowed to go under. For those who are convinced that the whole bonus fiasco is an example of unconstrained capitalism, think again. If we had unconstrained capitalism (or even capitalism just a little less restrained), then RBS, Northern Rock et al would have been left to sink or swim. Capitalism is an evolutionary process at heart. By deciding to intervene and part-nationalise the banks, Gordon Brown showed once more that he was no friend of markets or market processes, but a statist who believes that capitalism is dangerous because it is uncontrolled. His first instinct, and that of Obama, Cameron and the entire Euro class, is to intervene and take control.
The fact that the Labour government did intervene means we have the situation where what is effectivaly a state employee - Stephen Hester - is able to get a potential bonus of nearly a million quid. What rankles is that at a time when everyone else is fed a diet of austerity, this class of state employee is able to earn huge bucks. And remember, this was only 60% of the bonus pot, in theory he could have met his targets and earned the full lot. If this was just another bank and not a semi-state bank, people would have shrugged, got angry but there would never have been the same reaction. And perhaps, we would have been spared the panto from political figures across the spectrum (a spectrum that stretches all the way from A to B, but never beyond that).
However, the fact is that the tax payer did rescue RBS, so arguing that it shouldn't be here is a moot point.
Having said that then, where were the politicians arguing the case that if we're ever to get our money back then RBS has to be re-privatised? Where was the case that Hester should be judged on how well that goes? His bonus should only be cashed after that privatisation. His incentives should be to get the most for RBS for the tax payer, and unless he does that his bonuses should be deferred. And what better way of making the case then to suggest that tax payers would benefit in the form of a chance to buy shares in the eventual privatisation ahead of institutional investors?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Gordon Brown - Election Planning
The Progressive Contrarian again brings you the latest top-secret goings-on at Number 10. This latest on the election planning still going on shows Gordon Brown in conversation with his Chancellor, Alistair Darling.
PM: Ah, Darling, I want to have a word.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: The election, laddie. What are we to do?
Darling: I'm sorry, PM, I'm not sure I...
PM: It's time we took the initiative, Darling.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: What do you suggest?
Darling: That we take the initiative, sir.
PM: Excellent, Darling.
Darling (blushes): Thank you, PM.
PM: I'm thinking we go on the road. Let's take politics to the people.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: I want every member in the cabinet to stand up and be counted.
Darling: Yes, PM, every member standing up.
PM: The length and breadth of the country needs to see our members.
Darling: Yes, PM. Length and breadth.
PM: Take this down, Darling.
Darling (gulps): Take what down, PM?
PM: Notes. I want Blears to go to Manchester. Jowell to Birmingham. Milliband - Bristol.
Darling (scribbling furiously): Yes, PM. Milliband - Bristol.
PM: Straw - Bury.
Darling: Strawberry, PM? Have we switched to fruits?
PM: What are you wittering on about, laddie. Take it down, take it down. We can button Hutton for Sutton.
Darling: Pardon?
PM: Balls to Liverpool.
Darling: I agree, sir.
PM: Finally, Benn - Dover, Darling.
Darling (sighs): Yes, sir, if you like.
PM: Ah, Darling, I want to have a word.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: The election, laddie. What are we to do?
Darling: I'm sorry, PM, I'm not sure I...
PM: It's time we took the initiative, Darling.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: What do you suggest?
Darling: That we take the initiative, sir.
PM: Excellent, Darling.
Darling (blushes): Thank you, PM.
PM: I'm thinking we go on the road. Let's take politics to the people.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: I want every member in the cabinet to stand up and be counted.
Darling: Yes, PM, every member standing up.
PM: The length and breadth of the country needs to see our members.
Darling: Yes, PM. Length and breadth.
PM: Take this down, Darling.
Darling (gulps): Take what down, PM?
PM: Notes. I want Blears to go to Manchester. Jowell to Birmingham. Milliband - Bristol.
Darling (scribbling furiously): Yes, PM. Milliband - Bristol.
PM: Straw - Bury.
Darling: Strawberry, PM? Have we switched to fruits?
PM: What are you wittering on about, laddie. Take it down, take it down. We can button Hutton for Sutton.
Darling: Pardon?
PM: Balls to Liverpool.
Darling: I agree, sir.
PM: Finally, Benn - Dover, Darling.
Darling (sighs): Yes, sir, if you like.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Raising School Leaving - The Truth
The truth behind the plan to raise school leaving age in the UK. Direct from 10 Downing Street...
Gordon: How are the soundings?
Anon1: Not good, Gordon -
Gordon: Pardon?
Anon1 (contrite): I'm sorry, sir.
Gordon: Let's start again, shall we? How are the soundings?
Anon1: Not good, PM.
Anon2: No, PM. The whole 'Gordon is human' thing's fallen flat, I'm afraid.
Gordon: Never mind. At least I don't have to do the smiling exercises any more. What else?
Anon1: The Britishness thing's been commandeered by the Tories again.
Gordon: Never mind, we'd been using it for long enough, they can have it back now that I'm done with it. Next?
Anon2: Well PM, it looks like the civil liberties thing has still got legs.
Anon1: Yes, PM, you can sound statesman-like and concerned while at the same time clamping down on liberties.
Gordon: Ah yes, it's my Iron Chancellor stance all over again. A safe pair of hands. I like that. Do we have anything else?
ANon1: I'm afraid not, PM.
ANon2: Frankly sir, we're not sure where we're going with this raising the school leaving age idea.
Gordon: Do you not?
Anon2: Well...er...we...
Gordon: We?
Anon1: It's more him than me, PM.
Anon2: But...
Gordon: It's simple. If the laddies are in school they're not causing trouble for the polis.
Anon2: Yes, PM. But won't they be causing trouble in school?
Gordon: What's your point, laddie?
Anon2: What are they actually supposed to be doing in school?
Gordon: Lessons, of course. Mostly Global Warming Studies and Voting Studies. They'll be compulsory, obviously.
Anon1: Global Warming Studies?
Gordon: Aye. They can learn that there's a consensus and that anyone who disagrees is some kind of lunatic who'd probably not vote for me in the election and therefore can't be trusted.
Anon2: And Voting Studies?
Gordon: They learn how to vote, what I look like, how to spot my name on a ballot paper and so on. Important stuff.
Anon1: And the West Lothian angle?
Gordon: Good point. We'll be dropping the school leaving age in Scotland. The boys and girls can skip school from the age of 14 so long as they've passed the Voting Studies exam.
Anon2: And how do they do that, PM?
Gordon: By signing over their votes to me, in perpetuity, obviously.
Anon1: Is that legal, sir?
Gordon: Aye laddie, if I say it is. Now, bugger off and find me some lame policies that I can convince Cameron he wants to take off me again...
Anon1 + Anon2: Yes, your Highness.
Gordon: How are the soundings?
Anon1: Not good, Gordon -
Gordon: Pardon?
Anon1 (contrite): I'm sorry, sir.
Gordon: Let's start again, shall we? How are the soundings?
Anon1: Not good, PM.
Anon2: No, PM. The whole 'Gordon is human' thing's fallen flat, I'm afraid.
Gordon: Never mind. At least I don't have to do the smiling exercises any more. What else?
Anon1: The Britishness thing's been commandeered by the Tories again.
Gordon: Never mind, we'd been using it for long enough, they can have it back now that I'm done with it. Next?
Anon2: Well PM, it looks like the civil liberties thing has still got legs.
Anon1: Yes, PM, you can sound statesman-like and concerned while at the same time clamping down on liberties.
Gordon: Ah yes, it's my Iron Chancellor stance all over again. A safe pair of hands. I like that. Do we have anything else?
ANon1: I'm afraid not, PM.
ANon2: Frankly sir, we're not sure where we're going with this raising the school leaving age idea.
Gordon: Do you not?
Anon2: Well...er...we...
Gordon: We?
Anon1: It's more him than me, PM.
Anon2: But...
Gordon: It's simple. If the laddies are in school they're not causing trouble for the polis.
Anon2: Yes, PM. But won't they be causing trouble in school?
Gordon: What's your point, laddie?
Anon2: What are they actually supposed to be doing in school?
Gordon: Lessons, of course. Mostly Global Warming Studies and Voting Studies. They'll be compulsory, obviously.
Anon1: Global Warming Studies?
Gordon: Aye. They can learn that there's a consensus and that anyone who disagrees is some kind of lunatic who'd probably not vote for me in the election and therefore can't be trusted.
Anon2: And Voting Studies?
Gordon: They learn how to vote, what I look like, how to spot my name on a ballot paper and so on. Important stuff.
Anon1: And the West Lothian angle?
Gordon: Good point. We'll be dropping the school leaving age in Scotland. The boys and girls can skip school from the age of 14 so long as they've passed the Voting Studies exam.
Anon2: And how do they do that, PM?
Gordon: By signing over their votes to me, in perpetuity, obviously.
Anon1: Is that legal, sir?
Gordon: Aye laddie, if I say it is. Now, bugger off and find me some lame policies that I can convince Cameron he wants to take off me again...
Anon1 + Anon2: Yes, your Highness.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Gordon Brown - Pensions and Britishness
More from Gordon Brown's secret campaign meetings:
Gordy: Let me repeat once more just how concerned I am at this ugly turn of events.
Anon1: Which one is that, sir?
Gordy: The budget.
Anon2: Which one, sir? The last one or your first one?
Gordy: This whole pensions thing is a bit of a surprise I must admit. Isn't there a statute of limitations on theft anyhow?
Anon1: We'll investigate, sir.
Gordy: Good. As I've said before, I take full responsibility. I kept quiet for about it for 10 years. I would say that's a true mark of statesmanship. But all this is beside the point. We need to win back some popular support. What do we have in the suggestions box today?
Anon1: Well...
Anon2: To be honest...
Gordy: Well?
Anon1: Nothing, sir.
Gordy: In that case we'll have to revert to Plan A.
Anon2: Britishness again, sir?
Gordy: Exactly. Never fails to win some support. So, let's have another round of Britishness. Where did we get to last time?
Anon2: All migrants should be tattooed and implanted with micro-chips and tracking devices.
Anon1: I thought we were saving that one until the end of the first hundred days as PM.
Gordy: So we are.
Anon2: In that case we're onto 'make migrants do service to the community'.
Gordy: An excellent suggestion, even if I do say so myself. One of my better ideas I think.
Anon1: Do you want us to develop it further, sir?
Gordy: Yes. I've had some thoughts myself. Firstly we need to make sure that these migrants take part in traditionally British past times...
Anon2: Getting drunk, fighting and puking in the gutters?
Gordy: While I appreciate that any uplift in receipts from duty on alcohol is to be applauded, I was thinking of more socially useful activities...
Anon1: Got it. How about migrants will provide visits to the elderly when they're in hospital?
Anon2: Good idea. Lack of English won't be a barrier. The old dears won't be able to hear and the migrants can mumble all they like in exchange for a cup of tea and a scone.
Gordy: Make sure it's only one tea and scone per visit, mind.
Anon2: Got it. How about trying to engage these migrants with the British political process?
Anon1: You mean you want them to set their dogs on us when we go canvassing as well?
Gordy: We don't want to encourage apathy...
Anon2: No, sir. I was thinking of leafleting, canvassing, attending meetings and so on.
Gordy: I see where this is going...
Anon1: You mean you want them to fully engage with the political process by canvassing for a political party?
Anon2: Not just any political party...
Gordy: Excellent. It's the Celtic fringe model applied to the migrants. Excellent indeed.
Gordy: Let me repeat once more just how concerned I am at this ugly turn of events.
Anon1: Which one is that, sir?
Gordy: The budget.
Anon2: Which one, sir? The last one or your first one?
Gordy: This whole pensions thing is a bit of a surprise I must admit. Isn't there a statute of limitations on theft anyhow?
Anon1: We'll investigate, sir.
Gordy: Good. As I've said before, I take full responsibility. I kept quiet for about it for 10 years. I would say that's a true mark of statesmanship. But all this is beside the point. We need to win back some popular support. What do we have in the suggestions box today?
Anon1: Well...
Anon2: To be honest...
Gordy: Well?
Anon1: Nothing, sir.
Gordy: In that case we'll have to revert to Plan A.
Anon2: Britishness again, sir?
Gordy: Exactly. Never fails to win some support. So, let's have another round of Britishness. Where did we get to last time?
Anon2: All migrants should be tattooed and implanted with micro-chips and tracking devices.
Anon1: I thought we were saving that one until the end of the first hundred days as PM.
Gordy: So we are.
Anon2: In that case we're onto 'make migrants do service to the community'.
Gordy: An excellent suggestion, even if I do say so myself. One of my better ideas I think.
Anon1: Do you want us to develop it further, sir?
Gordy: Yes. I've had some thoughts myself. Firstly we need to make sure that these migrants take part in traditionally British past times...
Anon2: Getting drunk, fighting and puking in the gutters?
Gordy: While I appreciate that any uplift in receipts from duty on alcohol is to be applauded, I was thinking of more socially useful activities...
Anon1: Got it. How about migrants will provide visits to the elderly when they're in hospital?
Anon2: Good idea. Lack of English won't be a barrier. The old dears won't be able to hear and the migrants can mumble all they like in exchange for a cup of tea and a scone.
Gordy: Make sure it's only one tea and scone per visit, mind.
Anon2: Got it. How about trying to engage these migrants with the British political process?
Anon1: You mean you want them to set their dogs on us when we go canvassing as well?
Gordy: We don't want to encourage apathy...
Anon2: No, sir. I was thinking of leafleting, canvassing, attending meetings and so on.
Gordy: I see where this is going...
Anon1: You mean you want them to fully engage with the political process by canvassing for a political party?
Anon2: Not just any political party...
Gordy: Excellent. It's the Celtic fringe model applied to the migrants. Excellent indeed.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Gordon Brown - no to food wastage
More from the secret campaign meetings held in 11 Downing Street by Gordon Brown and his team:
----------------------
Gordon: I'm still concerned that the public don't have the correct impression of me. The 'I'm cute and cuddly Gordy' campaign isn't working yet. We need to do more.
Anon1: It's that bastard Cameron, sir, his team just seems to be fast off the mark. The moment there's a whiff of something in the air he's there.
Anon2: He's out-greened the lot of us in the last few months...
Gordon: That's the trouble, I think. People still have the impression that I'm too cautious. They think I can't do off-the-cuff, spontaneous stuff.
Anon1: We tried with the ad-libs, sir, really we did. We still don't know how the press got hold of the scripts...
Gordon: Well, it's time we hit back. How about some off-the-cuff thinking right now. Come on, let's do what Tony does and make it up as we go along. It can't be that hard, surely...
Anon2: OK...What issue?
Gordon: How I single-handedly stopped us going into the Euro?
Anon1: Does that resonate with the public at the moment, sir?
Gordon: Surely it does.
Anon2: But it's not the sexiest issue of the minute, sir.
Gordon: I see. What is it you suggest?
Anon1: Something green, sir.
Gordon: How about how I will single-handedly reverse global warming?
Anon2: What about this food thing?
Gordon: Haggis?
Anon1: No, sir. The report that over a third of the food on our tables goes to waste.
Anon2: There's a lot of fuss about this one.
Gordon: Has Cameron won this one?
Anon2: Not yet, sir. We've still got a chance.
Gordon: OK. How about this, we'll add an extra tax on every kilo of wasted food...
Anon1: Surely that's one for putting into practice rather than using to score points...
Gordon: Very true. What do you suggest?
Anon2: If we could link climate change and obesity into this we'd be on Cameron territory.
Gordon: I have it. In a bid to reduce this food wastage we'll bus homeless people around to eat the scraps going to waste.
Anon1: Wow! That's good.
Anon2: Well... It's good apart from the bussing around. We'll be attacked because of the carbon footprint.
Gordon: You may have a point there.
Anon1: Besides, I'm not sure how well it will play with the public. Do we really want druggies that smell of pee dropping round to eat our left-overs?
Gordon: You say that won't be popular?
Anon2: That bastard Cameron would probably offer to come round and eat the scraps himself...
Anon1: Got it! Anorexic girls. We could bus them round to eat the scraps. It's a win-win situation - we tackle food waste and eating disorders at the same time.
Gordon: Excellent! And the carbon footprint? Can we supply these girls with bicycles?
Anon2: How about we get obese teenagers to carry the anorexics? No carbon footprint and we tackle childhood obesity. A triple win!
Gordon: Excellent. Now, if you can script some ad-libs I'll make another speech to the city...
----------------------
Gordon: I'm still concerned that the public don't have the correct impression of me. The 'I'm cute and cuddly Gordy' campaign isn't working yet. We need to do more.
Anon1: It's that bastard Cameron, sir, his team just seems to be fast off the mark. The moment there's a whiff of something in the air he's there.
Anon2: He's out-greened the lot of us in the last few months...
Gordon: That's the trouble, I think. People still have the impression that I'm too cautious. They think I can't do off-the-cuff, spontaneous stuff.
Anon1: We tried with the ad-libs, sir, really we did. We still don't know how the press got hold of the scripts...
Gordon: Well, it's time we hit back. How about some off-the-cuff thinking right now. Come on, let's do what Tony does and make it up as we go along. It can't be that hard, surely...
Anon2: OK...What issue?
Gordon: How I single-handedly stopped us going into the Euro?
Anon1: Does that resonate with the public at the moment, sir?
Gordon: Surely it does.
Anon2: But it's not the sexiest issue of the minute, sir.
Gordon: I see. What is it you suggest?
Anon1: Something green, sir.
Gordon: How about how I will single-handedly reverse global warming?
Anon2: What about this food thing?
Gordon: Haggis?
Anon1: No, sir. The report that over a third of the food on our tables goes to waste.
Anon2: There's a lot of fuss about this one.
Gordon: Has Cameron won this one?
Anon2: Not yet, sir. We've still got a chance.
Gordon: OK. How about this, we'll add an extra tax on every kilo of wasted food...
Anon1: Surely that's one for putting into practice rather than using to score points...
Gordon: Very true. What do you suggest?
Anon2: If we could link climate change and obesity into this we'd be on Cameron territory.
Gordon: I have it. In a bid to reduce this food wastage we'll bus homeless people around to eat the scraps going to waste.
Anon1: Wow! That's good.
Anon2: Well... It's good apart from the bussing around. We'll be attacked because of the carbon footprint.
Gordon: You may have a point there.
Anon1: Besides, I'm not sure how well it will play with the public. Do we really want druggies that smell of pee dropping round to eat our left-overs?
Gordon: You say that won't be popular?
Anon2: That bastard Cameron would probably offer to come round and eat the scraps himself...
Anon1: Got it! Anorexic girls. We could bus them round to eat the scraps. It's a win-win situation - we tackle food waste and eating disorders at the same time.
Gordon: Excellent! And the carbon footprint? Can we supply these girls with bicycles?
Anon2: How about we get obese teenagers to carry the anorexics? No carbon footprint and we tackle childhood obesity. A triple win!
Gordon: Excellent. Now, if you can script some ad-libs I'll make another speech to the city...
Monday, February 26, 2007
Gordy Brown - Man of the People
Deep in the entrails of 11 Downing Street, Gordon Brown has summoned a meeting of his top secret campaign team. Our mole has managed to smuggle out this verbatim extract from the meeting exclusively for the Progressive Contrarian:
Gordon: The polls don't look too healthy at the moment. I'm worried that this Meacher thing isn't going to wash with Joe Public. Therefore I want us to switch to plan B.
Anon1: Plan B?
Gordon: Yes, we've got to do something about Cameron.
Anon2: What did you have in mind, sir?
Gordon: We'll have no more of that for starters. Joe Public needs to know that I'm no stuffed shirt. I'm a real human being. I can be relaxed. I can be informal. I'm a man of the people just as much as the next chap. We need to meet the Dave factor head-on.
Anon1: You mean we convince the public that there's more to Gordon Brown than meets the eye?
Gordon: Yes, that's it precisely.
Anon2: So, er, how should we address you, sir?
Gordon: If David is too formal for Cameron, then Gordon's too formal for me. So how about we go for GB?
Anon1: GB? As in Great Britain?
Anon2: You don't think that's a teensy bit presumptuous, sir?
Gordon: Possibly. How about Gordy?
Anon1: Gordy?
Gordon: Yes, that sounds very matey to me. Very nice indeed. Now, there's one other thing. I notice that there's a compound effect with Cameron. He has surrounded himself with other Davids. Why, his entire party seems peopled with them. I want the same effect here.
Anon1: But there aren't many Gordon's to choose from...
Gordon: Nonsense. We've got to defeat Cameron on his home ground. I'll need at least another half dozen Gordy's on my team.
Anon2: I'll see who we've got. Anything else er, Gordy?
Gordon: Splendid. See how easy that was? Why, we almost sounded matey then.
Anon1: Yes, sir, I mean Gordy. Anything else?
Gordon: Yes. I want you to get on to London Zoo immediately. I need to get a skunk.
Anon1 and Anon2: A skunk, sir?
Gordon: This drugs business has done Cameron no end of good. Sipping a single malt doesn't have the same resonance with the public. I've looked into this cannabis thing and it seems that young people are smoking skunks. I can't say it appeals to me, but if I need to smoke a skunk than London Zoo should have the necessary. If they cut up rough remind them of the plan for my new Rare and Exotic Animals Tax.
Anon1: But...
Gordon: And another thing, his bog habits have been a hit to. If Cameron has a web bog I can have one too. Rig up the cameras as soon as possible. Use the gents downstairs if you must. Bogging is the way to win hearts and minds, I can tell you.
Anon2: But...
Gordon: By the way, that pen you're using...
Anon2: You mean this...
Gordon: Is it a Cross or a Mont Blanc?
Anon2: Mont Blanc. It was a present from...
Gordon: Did you pay the Luxury Writing Implement Duty?
Anon2: I'm not sure that I've ever heard...
Gordon: I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave the pen with me and we'll say no more about it?
Anon2: Yes, Gordy...
Gordon: Wonderful. Off you go now, if we can get that skunk while I'm on the bog that'll be grand.
Gordon: The polls don't look too healthy at the moment. I'm worried that this Meacher thing isn't going to wash with Joe Public. Therefore I want us to switch to plan B.
Anon1: Plan B?
Gordon: Yes, we've got to do something about Cameron.
Anon2: What did you have in mind, sir?
Gordon: We'll have no more of that for starters. Joe Public needs to know that I'm no stuffed shirt. I'm a real human being. I can be relaxed. I can be informal. I'm a man of the people just as much as the next chap. We need to meet the Dave factor head-on.
Anon1: You mean we convince the public that there's more to Gordon Brown than meets the eye?
Gordon: Yes, that's it precisely.
Anon2: So, er, how should we address you, sir?
Gordon: If David is too formal for Cameron, then Gordon's too formal for me. So how about we go for GB?
Anon1: GB? As in Great Britain?
Anon2: You don't think that's a teensy bit presumptuous, sir?
Gordon: Possibly. How about Gordy?
Anon1: Gordy?
Gordon: Yes, that sounds very matey to me. Very nice indeed. Now, there's one other thing. I notice that there's a compound effect with Cameron. He has surrounded himself with other Davids. Why, his entire party seems peopled with them. I want the same effect here.
Anon1: But there aren't many Gordon's to choose from...
Gordon: Nonsense. We've got to defeat Cameron on his home ground. I'll need at least another half dozen Gordy's on my team.
Anon2: I'll see who we've got. Anything else er, Gordy?
Gordon
Anon1: Yes, sir, I mean Gordy. Anything else?
Gordon: Yes. I want you to get on to London Zoo immediately. I need to get a skunk.
Anon1 and Anon2: A skunk, sir?
Gordon: This drugs business has done Cameron no end of good. Sipping a single malt doesn't have the same resonance with the public. I've looked into this cannabis thing and it seems that young people are smoking skunks. I can't say it appeals to me, but if I need to smoke a skunk than London Zoo should have the necessary. If they cut up rough remind them of the plan for my new Rare and Exotic Animals Tax.
Anon1: But...
Gordon: And another thing, his bog habits have been a hit to. If Cameron has a web bog I can have one too. Rig up the cameras as soon as possible. Use the gents downstairs if you must. Bogging is the way to win hearts and minds, I can tell you.
Anon2: But...
Gordon: By the way, that pen you're using...
Anon2
Gordon: Is it a Cross or a Mont Blanc?
Anon2: Mont Blanc. It was a present from...
Gordon: Did you pay the Luxury Writing Implement Duty?
Anon2: I'm not sure that I've ever heard...
Gordon: I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave the pen with me and we'll say no more about it?
Anon2: Yes, Gordy...
Gordon: Wonderful. Off you go now, if we can get that skunk while I'm on the bog that'll be grand.
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