Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Gordon Brown - Pensions and Britishness

More from Gordon Brown's secret campaign meetings:

Gordy: Let me repeat once more just how concerned I am at this ugly turn of events.

Anon1: Which one is that, sir?

Gordy: The budget.

Anon2: Which one, sir? The last one or your first one?

Gordy: This whole pensions thing is a bit of a surprise I must admit. Isn't there a statute of limitations on theft anyhow?

Anon1: We'll investigate, sir.

Gordy: Good. As I've said before, I take full responsibility. I kept quiet for about it for 10 years. I would say that's a true mark of statesmanship. But all this is beside the point. We need to win back some popular support. What do we have in the suggestions box today?

Anon1: Well...

Anon2: To be honest...

Gordy: Well?

Anon1: Nothing, sir.

Gordy: In that case we'll have to revert to Plan A.

Anon2: Britishness again, sir?

Gordy: Exactly. Never fails to win some support. So, let's have another round of Britishness. Where did we get to last time?

Anon2: All migrants should be tattooed and implanted with micro-chips and tracking devices.

Anon1: I thought we were saving that one until the end of the first hundred days as PM.

Gordy: So we are.

Anon2: In that case we're onto 'make migrants do service to the community'.

Gordy: An excellent suggestion, even if I do say so myself. One of my better ideas I think.

Anon1: Do you want us to develop it further, sir?

Gordy: Yes. I've had some thoughts myself. Firstly we need to make sure that these migrants take part in traditionally British past times...

Anon2: Getting drunk, fighting and puking in the gutters?

Gordy: While I appreciate that any uplift in receipts from duty on alcohol is to be applauded, I was thinking of more socially useful activities...

Anon1: Got it. How about migrants will provide visits to the elderly when they're in hospital?

Anon2: Good idea. Lack of English won't be a barrier. The old dears won't be able to hear and the migrants can mumble all they like in exchange for a cup of tea and a scone.

Gordy: Make sure it's only one tea and scone per visit, mind.

Anon2: Got it. How about trying to engage these migrants with the British political process?

Anon1: You mean you want them to set their dogs on us when we go canvassing as well?

Gordy: We don't want to encourage apathy...

Anon2: No, sir. I was thinking of leafleting, canvassing, attending meetings and so on.

Gordy: I see where this is going...

Anon1: You mean you want them to fully engage with the political process by canvassing for a political party?

Anon2: Not just any political party...

Gordy: Excellent. It's the Celtic fringe model applied to the migrants. Excellent indeed.

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