Monday, March 19, 2007

Gordon Brown - no to food wastage

More from the secret campaign meetings held in 11 Downing Street by Gordon Brown and his team:


Gordon: I'm still concerned that the public don't have the correct impression of me. The 'I'm cute and cuddly Gordy' campaign isn't working yet. We need to do more.

Anon1: It's that bastard Cameron, sir, his team just seems to be fast off the mark. The moment there's a whiff of something in the air he's there.

Anon2: He's out-greened the lot of us in the last few months...

Gordon: That's the trouble, I think. People still have the impression that I'm too cautious. They think I can't do off-the-cuff, spontaneous stuff.

Anon1: We tried with the ad-libs, sir, really we did. We still don't know how the press got hold of the scripts...

Gordon: Well, it's time we hit back. How about some off-the-cuff thinking right now. Come on, let's do what Tony does and make it up as we go along. It can't be that hard, surely...

Anon2: OK...What issue?

Gordon: How I single-handedly stopped us going into the Euro?

Anon1: Does that resonate with the public at the moment, sir?

Gordon: Surely it does.

Anon2: But it's not the sexiest issue of the minute, sir.

Gordon: I see. What is it you suggest?

Anon1: Something green, sir.

Gordon: How about how I will single-handedly reverse global warming?

Anon2: What about this food thing?

Gordon: Haggis?

Anon1: No, sir. The report that over a third of the food on our tables goes to waste.

Anon2: There's a lot of fuss about this one.

Gordon: Has Cameron won this one?

Anon2: Not yet, sir. We've still got a chance.

Gordon: OK. How about this, we'll add an extra tax on every kilo of wasted food...

Anon1: Surely that's one for putting into practice rather than using to score points...

Gordon: Very true. What do you suggest?

Anon2: If we could link climate change and obesity into this we'd be on Cameron territory.

Gordon: I have it. In a bid to reduce this food wastage we'll bus homeless people around to eat the scraps going to waste.

Anon1: Wow! That's good.

Anon2: Well... It's good apart from the bussing around. We'll be attacked because of the carbon footprint.

Gordon: You may have a point there.

Anon1: Besides, I'm not sure how well it will play with the public. Do we really want druggies that smell of pee dropping round to eat our left-overs?

Gordon: You say that won't be popular?

Anon2: That bastard Cameron would probably offer to come round and eat the scraps himself...

Anon1: Got it! Anorexic girls. We could bus them round to eat the scraps. It's a win-win situation - we tackle food waste and eating disorders at the same time.

Gordon: Excellent! And the carbon footprint? Can we supply these girls with bicycles?

Anon2: How about we get obese teenagers to carry the anorexics? No carbon footprint and we tackle childhood obesity. A triple win!

Gordon: Excellent. Now, if you can script some ad-libs I'll make another speech to the city...

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