Sunday, March 16, 2014

Lib Dems To Ban The Wheel

Following internal discussions, leading Lib Dems are set to announce a range of new green policies. In addition to a plan to phase out the internal combustion engine for cars, a policy said to have support from the highest reaches of the coalition party, the new policies include a plan to ban the use of the wheel. An unnamed source within the party claimed that banning petrol and diesel engines in cars was only the start. For too long, the source claimed, the wheel had dominated. "No wheel, no transport, no transport and you've got the perfect solution to many of our environmental problems".

Leading Tories are said to be furious. "To be honest," a spokesperson from Conservative Central HQ is quoted as saying, "this is policy that is completely consistent with our policy of putting local first. Without the wheel pretty much everything will be local. So really, even though the Lib Dems are set to announce this first, it's really one of our policies."

Following an enthusiastic reaction to this leaked policy from the BBC, with both Matt McGrath and Roger Harrabin tumescent over the idea, other parties have been quick to respond.

Labour leaders are privately said to be angry because they have long been looking at this as a policy option too. "The wheel, basically a circle if we're going to be technical, has dominated other shapes for far too long. Why should our transport and industrial systems be geared around a circle and not, say, a triangle or a rectangle? As part of our diversity strategy we are going to pump public money into a transportation system that gives equal access to other shapes".

The reaction of the green party has been less positive. "You think this is a green policy? It's a cynical attempt to put a green tinge on neo-liberal policies. Think that's green? We're going to ban humans, now that's really green".

Round-faced Lib Dem minister Ed Davey has denied that he's banning the wheel because his face looks like one.

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