Monday, November 06, 2006

Crime and Punishment (Part 2)

To date there's been little formal response to the innovative Progressive Contrarian crime and punishment policies previously outlined on this web site. The silence from politicians (left, right and centre) has been deafening. However, not to be discouraged, here is the promised second tranche of new policies that the Home Secretary is welcome to nick for himself:

1. Gun crime. First offenders will be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan to complete a tour of duty. There will be no exceptions. Repeat offenders will complete a second tour of duty, though this time they will not be issued with ammunition.

2. Alcohol-induced violence. Those found guilty will be sent to a clinic where they will have vodka administered intravenously. This will be done in an isolation room so that there is no possible social pleasure derived from the experience. Once a mammoth hang-over has been induced the offender will be forced to complete a six-mile cross-country run. Failure to complete the run will cause additional intravenous vodka, stomach-pumping and then another attempt at a run.

3. Knife crime. Male offenders convicted of knife crime will have half an inch of penis surgically removed for a first offence. Subsequent offences will cause the loss of a full inch. The most persistent offenders will also be sentenced to breast enhancement surgery. How macho will these guys feel with no knob and pendulous boobs?

4. Joy-riders will be supplied with roller-skates and then tied to the back of their victim's vehicle. The driver will be free to drive at speed on any public road for a period of half an hour. A second offender will only be issued with one skate. There are no skates issued for subsequent offences, though in the interests of fairness the victims of the joy-rider will only be allowed to drive their cars for 15 minutes.

It is to be hoped that this time politicians take notice. More Progressive Contrarian policies are in the pipe-line...

No comments: