Gordon Brown - Election Planning

The Progressive Contrarian again brings you the latest top-secret goings-on at Number 10. This latest on the election planning still going on shows Gordon Brown in conversation with his Chancellor, Alistair Darling.

PM: Ah, Darling, I want to have a word.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: The election, laddie. What are we to do?
Darling: I'm sorry, PM, I'm not sure I...
PM: It's time we took the initiative, Darling.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: What do you suggest?
Darling: That we take the initiative, sir.
PM: Excellent, Darling.
Darling (blushes): Thank you, PM.
PM: I'm thinking we go on the road. Let's take politics to the people.
Darling: Yes, PM.
PM: I want every member in the cabinet to stand up and be counted.
Darling: Yes, PM, every member standing up.
PM: The length and breadth of the country needs to see our members.
Darling: Yes, PM. Length and breadth.
PM: Take this down, Darling.
Darling (gulps): Take what down, PM?
PM: Notes. I want Blears to go to Manchester. Jowell to Birmingham. Milliband - Bristol.
Darling (scribbling furiously): Yes, PM. Milliband - Bristol.
PM: Straw - Bury.
Darling: Strawberry, PM? Have we switched to fruits?
PM: What are you wittering on about, laddie. Take it down, take it down. We can button Hutton for Sutton.
Darling: Pardon?
PM: Balls to Liverpool.
Darling: I agree, sir.
PM: Finally, Benn - Dover, Darling.
Darling (sighs): Yes, sir, if you like.

Raising School Leaving - The Truth

The truth behind the plan to raise school leaving age in the UK. Direct from 10 Downing Street...


Gordon: How are the soundings?

Anon1: Not good, Gordon -

Gordon: Pardon?

Anon1 (contrite): I'm sorry, sir.

Gordon: Let's start again, shall we? How are the soundings?

Anon1: Not good, PM.

Anon2: No, PM. The whole 'Gordon is human' thing's fallen flat, I'm afraid.

Gordon: Never mind. At least I don't have to do the smiling exercises any more. What else?

Anon1: The Britishness thing's been commandeered by the Tories again.

Gordon: Never mind, we'd been using it for long enough, they can have it back now that I'm done with it. Next?

Anon2: Well PM, it looks like the civil liberties thing has still got legs.

Anon1: Yes, PM, you can sound statesman-like and concerned while at the same time clamping down on liberties.

Gordon: Ah yes, it's my Iron Chancellor stance all over again. A safe pair of hands. I like that. Do we have anything else?

ANon1: I'm afraid not, PM.

ANon2: Frankly sir, we're not sure where we're going with this raising the school leaving age idea.

Gordon: Do you not?

Anon2: Well...er...we...

Gordon: We?

Anon1: It's more him than me, PM.

Anon2: But...

Gordon: It's simple. If the laddies are in school they're not causing trouble for the polis.

Anon2: Yes, PM. But won't they be causing trouble in school?

Gordon: What's your point, laddie?

Anon2: What are they actually supposed to be doing in school?

Gordon: Lessons, of course. Mostly Global Warming Studies and Voting Studies. They'll be compulsory, obviously.

Anon1: Global Warming Studies?

Gordon: Aye. They can learn that there's a consensus and that anyone who disagrees is some kind of lunatic who'd probably not vote for me in the election and therefore can't be trusted.

Anon2: And Voting Studies?

Gordon: They learn how to vote, what I look like, how to spot my name on a ballot paper and so on. Important stuff.

Anon1: And the West Lothian angle?

Gordon: Good point. We'll be dropping the school leaving age in Scotland. The boys and girls can skip school from the age of 14 so long as they've passed the Voting Studies exam.

Anon2: And how do they do that, PM?

Gordon: By signing over their votes to me, in perpetuity, obviously.

Anon1: Is that legal, sir?

Gordon: Aye laddie, if I say it is. Now, bugger off and find me some lame policies that I can convince Cameron he wants to take off me again...

Anon1 + Anon2: Yes, your Highness.