Einstein At The Office

The scene: the office of the Chancellor of the University of Zurich. A diminutive Albert Einstein is sitting in front of the imposing oak desk of the Chancellor.

Chancellor: My dear Einstein, I am afraid that your head of department has expressed some unhappiness with the current situation.

Einstein: I'm sorry, Herr Chancellor, I don't quite follow...

Chancellor (Sighs expressively): Let me be to the point, Einstein, there's some concern in the department about some of your recent work.

Einstein (alarmed): An error in my work? I am presently revising my work on the Avogadro constant and believe I have made excellent progress on a new estimate...

Chancellor (interrupts): You misunderstand once again, Herr Professor, and alas it does make me wonder whether you are truly of the right cloth for a career in the academy.

Einstein: I apologise once again, Herr Chancellor, but perhaps you can enlighten me as I am clearly not following your line of thought.

Chancellor: The department are concerned that your recent funding applications are insufficiently compelling and that they cast the department in a poor light.

Einstein: But my work on Brownian motion and the photoelectric effect have been well received, Herr Chancellor. Very well received in fact.

Chancellor (looking distinctly unimpressed): I agree that your refinement of Helga von Thurinberg's theory on the photoelectric effect has some technical interest.

Einstein (shocked): Refinement?? Sir, I beg to disagree. Thurinberg's assertion that the photoelectric effect is caused by the sun smiling benevolently on grateful solids or liquids is not physics. It's not science of any description at all. It's pure metaphysical nonsense...

Chancellor (sternly): Sir, enough! Such uncollegiate language is not befitting the academy. Professor von Thurinberg's research has been handsomely funded and well-received. What is more, it's fully inclusive and accords with many of the requirements of the Reich's science policies.

Einstein: But Chancellor, it's not science. The sun is not a sentient being or a deity, it's a physical body. It doesn't smile, it radiates energies in a broad spectrum...

Chancellor: Yes, yes, you posit the existence of some kind of quanta of energy. Has anyone detected these quanta, Herr Einstein? Indeed, is your entire theory not based on some arcane mathematical structures? Whereas Professor von Thuringberg's theory is accessible to all. And when the sun is shining, or 'radiating energy' as you would have it, does it not feel as though it is smiling? I put it to you, Herr Professor, that your theory is in no way superior to hers, but that hers is open to all whereas yours suffers from excessive mathematical formalism and elitist theorising.

Einstein (despondent): But...

Chancellor: Furthermore, it has come to my attention that your latest proposals for funding involve your theories of relativity.

Einstein (brightening a little): Yes, Herr Chancellor, this is really exciting work and it promises to revolutionise our understanding of the universe...

Chancellor: Yes, yes, of course. Now while I like the inclusive sound of 'relativity' I do have some doubts about this stream of work. If you are saying that everything is relative, and that your theory and Professor Thuringberg's theory are of equal value then that is an excellent prospect for the procurement of additional funding to the University.

Einstein: Well, not quite, Herr Chancellor. You see in my Special Theory of Relativity...

Chancellor (interrupts aggressively): Special? You are claiming your theory is special? I am afraid, Herr Einstein, that this is simply unacceptable.

Einstein: But...

Chancellor: Furthermore, please explain to me the relevance of this work to climate change.

Einstein: Climate change?

Chancellor: Indeed. Does your theory suggest that the effect of increasing human emissions of greenhouse gases are causing warming or destruction in some way?

Einstein: No, it's really about the nature of space-time and the...

Chancellor: Does it address any issues relating to the inclusion agenda?

Einstein: No.

Chancellor (leaning back in his chair): Just how is your work relevant?

Einstein: Relevant, Herr Chancellor? I'm not sure what that means.

Chancellor: Exactly, Herr Einstein, exactly! You can see why the concern.

Einstein: But the current Newtonian view of the universe...

Chancellor: Newton? You're working on extending that old fraud's work? Did you know, Herr Einstein, that Newton made not one mention of the deleterious effect of carbon dioxide on the climate? Did you know, sir, that his views on the place of women and minorities were distinctly 17th century? I put it to you sir, that the man was a monster...

Einstein: But, Herr Chancellor, he was a great scientist...

Chancellor: He was a denier, Einstein, and I am starting to have the same thought about you. I would suggest, Herr Professor, that perhaps you are not fitted to the academy and the progressive standards we aspire to. Perhaps, I might suggest, you consider returning to your former post at the Patent Office. Good day, sir.