Test of Britishness

The applicant for British Citizenship must be able to:

Demonstrate a clear understanding of the terms: rat-arsed, bladdered, wankered, smashed. Additionally the applicant must undergo a practical test in order to demonstrate that he or she is able to achieve one of these states (and to show a true understanding of the phrase ‘responsible drinking’).

The applicant must undergo some activity that provides value to the community at large. Suggested activities include: canvassing for the Labour Party, joining the Labour Party, voting for the Labour Party.

The applicant must undertake to understand fully the science of climate change and global warming. Understanding of the consensus is essential. Additionally the applicant must be 100% in favour of other people cutting back on their life-styles for the good of the planet.

The applicant must be able to show an understanding of true British values by being able to slag off in detail the England manager, the England team and the wives/girlfriends of members of the England team.

Finally, a written test of English must also be taken. The exam will be to A level standard, and therefore applicants who show any sign of grasping grammar, spelling or punctuation will be heavily penalised.